Golf Therapy

Every day is the first day of the rest of my life. Today in particular, though, was time to move on to once again enjoying what might be seen as mundane things. And so I played in my first competitive medal round since the Shire opened last year.

I didn't play particularly well, but I enjoyed the fresh air and exercise and the ability to concentrate 100% on playing golf and not let other emotions intrude. And undoubtedly I feel better because of this.

Of course reality hit later, because in the past I used to ring my Mum on a Sunday, tell her what I had done and discuss what she had done. That is not now possible. But I know she would want me to get on with life and this is what I will do. And perhaps my Mum's passing will help me to put life into perspective, to ignore trivial difficulties (like the ball I hit out of bounds at the 5th hole) and become more determined to get as much satisfaction and enjoyment as I can from this short and precarious life that we have.

Getting on with life

I am back in London. I went to work on Friday and played a few holes of golf today. Back into the normal routine. I know I must do that. But I do it with an empty feeling inside me.

Remembering Mum

My Dad, Sister and I went for a walk along the bank of the River Spey from its mouth to the old railway bridge a few hundred yards upstream. It was cathartic to get some fresh air. But all the time I remembered the walks we used to go on when my Mum was with us. When I took a photo of my Dad and Sister, I wanted to say to my Mum that she should be in the photo. But she wasn't there.

And I remember the final trip we went on back on October when I drove my Mum and Dad to Urquhart Castle on the shores of Loch Ness. This is the final photo I ever took of my Mother.


















Goodbye Mum. You lived a full and active life and I must now live the rest of my life without you. And I need to look after my Dad who is greiving very much. May your soul rest in peace.

Remember - and smile

Today was my Mum's funeral. I was determined to say something, and although it was difficult to do this without breaking down, I was glad I did. It allowed my to feel part of the funeral service and not just a passive onlooker.

I finished my talk by quoting Christine Rosetti who wrote the following in a poem often quoted at funerals -
'Better by far you should forget and smile
than that you should remember and be sad.'

I said that my Mum would have put it differently. That she would have said to all of us -
Better by far that you should remember - and smile.

And I must try to remember with pride, love and affection without getting too angry or sad at my Mum's passing. Right now though I just feel an emptiness.

Funeral Arrangements

On Monday I got back from the Isle of Wight and then managed to get a flight up to the North of Scotland to be with my Dad.

He had already made most of the arrangements, but I was able to confirm these. And hopefully I was able to be of some comfort to him.

On Wednesday I went to the Chapel of Rest to see my Mum lying so peacefully and serenely in the coffin. It was important that I did that although it was very tough. She looked as if she was dozing and I expected her to open one eye and say 'Oh, it's you'. But of course she did not and can not.

I try to be strong, but it is not easy.

Bereavement

As our weekend in the isle of Wight was coming to a close, I got a phone call from my father. My Mum, who had moved to a care home less than 2 weeks ago, had caught a chest infection and was not very well. He held the phone up and I could hear her wheezing and fighting for breath.

Two hours later he called to tell me that my Mum had died.

Although she had had a stroke back in November, I was not expecting this. It was a real shock. I can't quite take in the fact that I will never again speak to my Mum.

Isle of Wight

This weekend Andrew and I went to the Isle of Wight for the weekend with a crowd of his friends. We would be staying at a Warner Breaks Hotel at Bemberidge for an Abba weekend. I had been dubious beforehand. Even more so when I got there. I felt that I was the youngest person there. It was like a weekend in a care home.

But the location of the hotel was good and as the weekend progressed I relaxed into it. And I liked the isle of Wight. On Friday we went to the old Windmill, on Saturday we went to Osborne House and on Sunday we went to the Needles. Each evening there was entertainment, culminating in a show by Bjorn Again on the Saturday evening. And the food was excellent.

So in the end I was rather bemused by the fact that I was enjoying a weekend which I would not normally have said was my thing at all.

Accepting fate

I had a difficult weekend and felt really down at times. And I don't really know why. That didn't make the depression any less real. Then I saw this on You Tube. And I realised that I don't have any problems and just need to get on with life. Carpe Diem.

The Independent described this as follows -
These days, most people imagine that when they succumb to the inevitable and utter what must be their "last words", they will have time for little more than a brief, faltering sentence. If they are lucky, it will be shared with a few close family members before being swiftly consigned to the scrapheap of history.
Professor Randy Pausch is not most people, though. In September, the previously unknown computer science expert delivered a remarkable lecture to students at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh. Thanks to the wonders of technology, the hour-long speech did not disappear into the ether, but went on to be heard by millions. It has since changed lives, touched American politics, and is about to spawn a publishing phenomenon.
At the centre of Pausch's remarkable tale is "The Last Lecture," an old academic conceit whereby teachers are asked to imagine they're near death and must therefore sum up the entire collection of wisdom they wish to pass on to their students in a single lecture. Pausch, a 47-year-old father of three, didn't have to imagine anything when he gave his own "last lecture" on 18 September. He had just been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer.
In a little over an hour, to a packed lecture-hall, Pausch delivered a deeply moving speech on the subject of "really achieving your childhood dreams." The optimistic philosophy he espoused, in a lecture punctuated by both laughter and tears, resulted in scenes resembling a real-life version of Dead Poets Society. To Americans who have recently, through the likes of Barack Obama, learnt to love public speaking, it has provided a timely reminder of how life ought to be lived.

And I love the line 'Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.' In other words - accept it, learn from it and move on. I'll hang on to that thought.

Here is the talk -

Root canal treatment

There was a comment on the news a couple of days ago which said that Gordon Brown going into Prime Ministers Questions was like someone heading to the dentist for root canal treatment.

So I guess I know that it was a known treatment. My Dad thinks I should just have the tooth out and save the money. And after the crumbling of my tooth, I didn't think that saving the tooth was an option anyway. But today was my appointment and the dentist said that there was still enough tooth there for him to do the root canal treatment. So I went along with that.

It was not pleasant. The main problem was the time it took. Which is why, I guess, it cost £545. The whole process took two and a quarter hours. And all the time I had to keep my mouth open - I had to ensure that I did not get saliva into the tooth. So he drilled the tooth, pulled the nerve out of each of the four root canals, drilled further, filled the canals with inert material and finally built up the tooth again. Two and a quarter hours.

But in reality it was more uncomfortable than painful. I tried not to cough, and ended up in a coughing fit. I needed to go for a pee, but had to hold on. I kept wanting to swallow, but couldn't. Finally, finally, the process was over. And I have a tooth back.

It still needs a crown and that will no doubt cost more, but for now I am satisfied. And hopefully I can start to eat properly again.

The tooth crumbles

Just as I was thankful that I am free of the pain of toothache and almost looking forward to getting the root canal treatment, a problem developed. I was having a sandwich with malted wheat grain bread. Big mistake. As I crunched into a wheat grain, a large part of my dodgy tooth came loose. So now I have almost no tooth left. I doubt therefore that root canal treatment is possible. Perhaps extraction will be the only option. And will other teeth follow suit. I am reluctant to bite into anything. Mince and tatties for the next week I think until I see the dentist on Tuesday.

Weekend in Scotland

I went up to Scotland to visit my Mum in hospital and be with my Dad as he comes to terms with living on his own. It's quite stressful, but I hope I help by being there. Certainly the scenario is much changed, and I can only hope that my Mum has a reasonable quality of life in the future and will make some improvement, although her paralysis is, I think, permanent. And I hope that my Dad can continue to remain active.

I suspect that we will have to sell the family home sometime during the year with my Mum moving into a care home and my Dad, at best, moving to sheltered accommodation.

At least the antibiotics hare working and my toothache is subsiding. And I managed to play 9 holes of golf at Spey Bay with my Dad on Sunday.

I guess we just have to accept the directions life takes us and do our best to deal with that and stay in control. No always easy, though.

The Pain Goes On

I sat in the office today trying to work but in continual agony. And now I am suffering a reaction from the antibiotics - a very itchy skin rash. I am taking the painkillers and have bought oil of cloves, but to no avail. The only thing that helps is neat whisky, swilled round my mouth. And I have to spit it out because whisky is not recommended with painkillers and antibiotics. I am worried about my trip to Scotland on Saturday - will be pain be unbearable during the flight in the low pressure?

Pain

I am in agony.

Toothache!

My fault I guess. A few months ago a bit of one of my teeth fell out. I hadn't been to the dentist for years. And since this was not hurting, I still did not go.

So over the past few months, apparently, an infestion set in that attacked the nerve. Suddenly waaah - the pain.

This time I did go to the dentist. Well, he said, you could have treatment under the NHS. It will cost £46 and I would extract the tooth. Or you can have root canal treatment, but that would have to be done privately. The cost? £545! Suddenly the paid was moving to my wallet.

And it can't be done for two weeks. I've been given antibiotics and painkillers, but I am not sure how I can survive for two weeks with this pain.

Malaga again

This weekend I tried to do the triangle. On Thursday I flew to Aberdeen and on to Keith to visit my Mum in hospital. On Saturday I took the weekly flight to Malaga. We had three days in Malaga, and then returned back to the UK to Luton.

It all worked very well, though of course three days was not really long enough. We also had the surreal experience of finding that someone had stolen out washing line from our patio. They had climbed down from level one to do this and had left my golf clubs untouched. Very strange.

On Sunday we spent some time at the bar beside the lighthouse, walked out to the end of the harbour and ended up going to the Rosaleda to see Malaga playing Ejido at football. My first visit to the Rosaleda, and although the result was 1-1 and the game was less than totally riveting, it was a fun thing to do.

On the Monday we went to Mijas to see an Irish guy who runs a guest house there. The journey was a long one thanks to a delayed bus which then broke down climbing the hill to Mijas. But the guest house was good with fantastic views and afterwards we had a late lunch in Fuengirola.

Unfortunately Tuesday was not as good a day weatherwise, but I still spend a relaxing morning beside the beach reading my book and in the afternoon, when the weather improved, I managed to lie on the sand for a couple of hours and go for a paddle in the sea.

And then on Wednesday we flew home. A long journey, because my toothache flared up as soon as the plane was airborne. But it had been a good break.

Sports recovery

Yesterday I played 4 sets of tennis - my first games for a few months.

This morning I had a sprained ankle, a sore knee and a sore elbow as well as some very stiff joints.

Old age is setting in!

80th birthday

No not mine. My mother's. It went better than I had expected. She is in hospital in Keith after a severe stroke and I really didn't think she'd really cope with a birthday. But anyway we invited a dozen of her freinds to the hospital, provided wine and nibbles - and a birthday cake - and it all went very well. My mother recognised everyone and knew they were there for her birthday. She was even able to make a short thank-you speech at the end.

The hospital were very good at getting her dressed and into a chair. And at allowing us to use the hospital lounge. And her friends were very kind and understanding.

It doesn't alter the fact that my mother is unlikely to get much better and certainly will not be able to resume her previous lifestyle. The future is very uncertain. But for today at least, we could celebrate 80 years of her life.

Snow in Scotland

I've come up to Keith for my mother's 80th birthday tomorrow. Today it snowed and although it is really cold, it is gorgeous. This is a photo of my parent's back garden this morning.

The 'no-diet' diet

Each day in the Independent, there is a free supplement which claims that it is 'the easy way to make 2008 the best year of your life'. We'll see.

The premise is that in order to lose weight permanently, one needs to change one's ingrained habits in all areas. I am not sure that I am very adaptable, but I'll give it a go. There is a different task each day. Today's task is to write something. I suppose that is proof that I have done that.

Illness

My Mum is not really improving after her stroke. The doctor today was very downbeat, talking about the possibility of her catching an infection and being unable to cope with that. Yet in fact she when I visited her, she was awake and alert and able to chat away. But I know that she will not be able to return home and that, at best, major changes will have to be made in her life, in my Dad's life and to a degree in my life. We've had a good number of years without major illness, so something like this was inevitable I guess. But it is still hard to see her so helpless when only a few weeks ago we went on a day trip to Loch Ness and she was fine. it certainly makes me think about my priorities and the need to look after myself.

Golf

I like playing golf. I am not obsessive about it. But it is an enjoyable relaxation. I started playing as a youngster in Inverness. I've never been a really good golfer, my handicap remains at 17, but I have my moments.

This weekend, I am up in Scotland to visit my mother in hospital and to assist my dad who is now 91. Suddenly this morning, despite the temperature being barely above freezing, he decided he needed a game of golf. So we had a very pleasant 9 holes at Spey Bay, where my score was a very erratic 4,5,4,3,3,9,5,4,4. A strange way to go round in a respectable 41.

Of more importance, though, was the fact that I can have this game with my elderly father, we can get some fresh air and exercise together, and for a couple of hours at least he can forget about the problems with my Mum's illness.